Are repeated arguments and misunderstandings damaging
your relationship with your partner?
Does one of you often bring up the issues and have a more emotional “hot” communication?
(Anxious Attachment)
Whilst the other has a more rational “cool” reserved communication?
(Avoidant Attachment)
Does this communication dynamic lie beneath the surface of your arguments?
⊚ “Hot Communicator”
Brings up an issue and express some form of insatisfaction or desire for something to be different ⊚ “Cool Communicator”
Get defensive, to them it feels like an attack and wonder why there always seems to be a “problem”⊚ “Hot Communicator”
Feels frustrated that they can't just try and understand and show they care. They respond from the rising intensity of emotions they experience⊚ “Cool Communicator”
Feels cornered and either wait for the “storm” to pass, walks out or minimises what's being said in an attempt to get out of the conversation⊚ When the conversation ends…
You both feel misunderstood and disconnected. The tension and distance that follows these episodes is painful and drains your energy.Does this sound familiar?
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If you want a healthy, supportive and enduring relationship its essential to transform this communication dynamic so you can…
…talk about challenges in a compassionate way that leaves you both feeling heard, connected, and clear how to move forward together.
Why is it difficult to break free from this dynamic?
We all carry unresolved emotional baggage and traumas that come from difficult past experiences…
In these arguments something triggers this emotional wound, and those old, intense feelings rush back in.
This intensity makes it extremely difficult to avoid the usual patterns of counterproductive and unhelpful reactions.
From there on you're fighting a downward spiral you know all too well.
You may have tried to break the cycle of repeating arguments already and although there have been moments when it feels like things are getting better, something happens and you’re back in it again.
How to overcome this?
If the past is showing up in the present in this way then it's not tools, workshops, rational understanding or trying harder that is going to break these destructive argument loops.
Imagine how much easier it would be to have those conversations if the internal charge you experienced was lighter.
Imagine that instead of getting emotionally triggered you could understand and feel compassion for each other.
Imagine if you knew that no matter what the challenge was you could talk about it in a way that leaves you both feeling understood, connected and like a team again.
Genuine, long-lasting change requires a therapeutic process that enables you both to become aware and release the emotional weight of the past so it stops colouring your communication and relationship.
Time to improve the communication, move beyond arguing and strengthen your relationship?
My Couples Coaching Process
The approach I use is based on 20 years of dedication to my own personal development and practice of Compassionate Enquiry, Nonviolent Communication, Somatic Awareness, Internal Family Systems, and Attachment Theory. Individual
3 x 60min sessions each
These sessions are a safe space for each individual to:
⊚ Explore how their communication patterns are making the dynamic more challenging
⊚ Become aware and start to release the emotional weight of past experiences that drive these communication patterns
⊚ Learn to communicate their frustrations in a way that makes it easier for their partner to understand and support them
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Together
4 x 90min sessions together
These joint sessions support an open, vulnerable and compassionate communication so they can:
⊚ Develop a deeper compassionate understanding of the vulnerability underneath each others reactivity
⊚ Discuss the topics they are needing to work through in a way that deepens mutual understanding connection and clarity on how to move forward together
Free Discovery Call
Book a free discovery call with me to share a bit about your current situation, what you hope to achieve, ask questions and see if we feel like we are a good match to work together.
This sounds good but it's not going to work for us
⊚ My partner is reluctant to do this together
I created this free resource to support people to communicate with their partner about their desire to get external support (regardless of the outcome this tool will help you to reflect and take a stance).
I also offer a free discovery call, which is a great opportunity to invite partners to voice their concerns.
⊚ What if it’s already too far gone or we're just not compatible
There are no guarantees but don't you want to be able to look each other in the eye and have the peace of knowing you both did everything you could and that includes getting support.
⊚ At the moment we are just too busy and or exhausted
We live in a busy society AND it's sad when couples prioritise and give their energy to everything else except getting support to improve their relationship. Often it's the stuckness in the relationship that is so draining and when we can address that there is more energy.
What my clients are saying…
Common questions I get from couples…
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This is not just talk therapy, in the individual sessions we focus on body somatics and Compassionate Inquiry to transform deeper underlying patterns and traumas. We'll also focus on practical skills for improved communication and conflict resolution.
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In the individual sessions I'll help you to get clear about what you want to express and in the joint sessions I will help that to be understood. When there are misunderstandings I will interrupt and help you to both hear and understand each other on a deeper level
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I totally understand. This is also why I work with you both individually first, so you can build trust and connection with me, but also so we address and take care of these anxieties.
It is a challenging and uncomfortable journey but then is it sustainable to stay in this place or better to shift what's making it exhausting?
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Separating can be a highly traumatic process that has a long term impact on our well being. I have supported couples to make this a compassionate and connected transition that is kinder and honours the preciousness of the relationship.
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I'm not impartial. I'm partial to you both - anything less and I become part of the problem - I know this and it guides all my work. Im on both your sides
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The individual sessions make it easier for people to be fully sincere before we come together, helping ensure open communication.
KIC COATES
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